Playing God

Writing is like being God.

You manipulate everything.

If you don't like where the story is going, you change it.
If you don't like a character, you kill them off.
If you don't like the setting, you move it.

But when you get so attached to characters and plot ideas, it can be a pain in the ass to let them go: even if it means writing something better than before.

Downfall

So I'm finally at the point in one of my stories where I love it, but I hate it. I wanna rewrite the entire thing, while still maintaining the key elements of it. The 476 page document has taken me 8 years to write: and I'm almost done. But because it's taken so long to complete: the writing style and the story has changed as I've gotten older and gained wisdom. The beginning is juvenile: novice work. But the last part is amazing. I'm astonished with myself. Now the first three hundred something pages just need to be re-written to match. I feel so stuck though. Because I know as soon as I start to re-write it, create a second draft: I'm going to change it into something else. Create new ideas and implement new obstacles to hurl at my unfortunate characters. The story itself is fine the way it is...but the writing style changes and it bugs me. I want it to be consistently exciting. I don't wanna tear it apart and re-build it as something new... but I feel like that's exactly what will happen.

You know my life is just oh so terrible when the biggest concern on my mind is what's gonna happen when I re-write my stupid novel. I really shouldn't complain. But after 8 years... yeah... It needs to be done so I can continue writing the other 50,000 stories that come to me in the form of nightmares. Maybe then I could finally get some freakin' sleep and not be such an insomniac. Yeah, cause that's really gonna happen. I just wish I wasn't so torn about this. I'm so close to the end of the story: I know what I want to happen. Now I just have to make it all fit: manipulate everything so it turns out how I want it (Authors have amazing power because you can't do that too often in real life...). The ending is there: it always has been. But I cannot, will not and shall not put the ending into words before the journey is written and written correctly. What can I say? I'm a control freak. The saddest part is: this is something that will never be published. No one else is ever going to read this story. I don't want it to be read and I don't want it published, never have. I just want it down, in writing, on paper, brought down to size.

So someone please tell me why I'm so anxious for this to be complete if I'm not going to be doing anything with it? Why I'm so ready to be done with it: not that I'm exasperated about it, just that I'm excited to be at the finish line. I don't even think I can call this the finish line. Not really. I've been toying with the idea of a series for a long time with this story. It's just open ended enough that I can make it work. I even have two sequels started for it. But this one, the first one: Downfall, needs to be done.

I WIll Not Bow

"I don't wanna change the world- I just want to leave it colder." ~ Breaking Benjamin: "I Will Not Bow"

How many times have I laid awake replaying stories in my mind that, for some stupid reason, I just can't seem to put on paper? See, I like to write, like a lot. I've got several stories in the works and I can't seem to finish any of them.

One of them I've been working on for seven years. It's my second oldest story that I'm writing, but also the easiest one to work on at the moment. It just keeps changing because as I get older, I learn more and more about people and about life. I'm trying to make it as realistic as I can, but it's so hard when the main character (who is both a protagonist and an antagonist) is so damn dynamic. I've tried to make his character less complex, but the fact is that he's going to make himself whatever he wants to be. I realize now that I don't control him. Not at all. I can say, "Hey buddy, do this, this and this for me, mmk?" and all he says is, "Fuck you. I do what I want." And yha know what? I like it. I love the fact that this guy is such a foil of himself: so attitudinal and so... what's the word for it???... fucked up. Yeah that works. I don't think I'd have much of a story without him honestly: gotta love that character driven plot bullshit.

But it's also a huge pain in my ass, because as he develops and his life unfolds, things change. His age changes frequently, his physical features changed a bit (but he likes to think he's a bad ass so he has to look the part... drama queen...), his background story keeps going back and forth between two options in my head- does he have daddy issues? Or did he just get caught up in some unfortunate circumstance? ( I don't believe in circumstance, but he does; so naturally we're always fighting about that...)

So when he changes, the entire story does. Honestly, it takes a lot out of me and I seem to get one hell of a writers block every time it does. There's a reason why it's taken me seven years and I've only got 180 pages typed up. I've tried to say, "Fuck you, I need someone less difficult." But in reality: I love him too much to just drop him, or even make him a side character. It has to be him; Mr. Center-Of-Attention... I've worked too long and too hard to scratch him and create up someone new.

I don't believe in God. Believe what you may, but I'm a biologist and while I believe in the POSSIBILITY of the Alpha and Omega; I believe science more. But if there is a god: I imagine that any (good) writer knows what he/she/it/them feel(s) like to a certain degree. I mean one complex character is bad enough. I have several, but none so bad as him. But trillions of people??? Damn. God must be on drugs.

Anyways... don't ask me why I'm typing this all out. It's 5:30 A.M.

So I'm angsty and nervous and hyper and I can't sleep.

Anyways.