I WIll Not Bow

"I don't wanna change the world- I just want to leave it colder." ~ Breaking Benjamin: "I Will Not Bow"

How many times have I laid awake replaying stories in my mind that, for some stupid reason, I just can't seem to put on paper? See, I like to write, like a lot. I've got several stories in the works and I can't seem to finish any of them.

One of them I've been working on for seven years. It's my second oldest story that I'm writing, but also the easiest one to work on at the moment. It just keeps changing because as I get older, I learn more and more about people and about life. I'm trying to make it as realistic as I can, but it's so hard when the main character (who is both a protagonist and an antagonist) is so damn dynamic. I've tried to make his character less complex, but the fact is that he's going to make himself whatever he wants to be. I realize now that I don't control him. Not at all. I can say, "Hey buddy, do this, this and this for me, mmk?" and all he says is, "Fuck you. I do what I want." And yha know what? I like it. I love the fact that this guy is such a foil of himself: so attitudinal and so... what's the word for it???... fucked up. Yeah that works. I don't think I'd have much of a story without him honestly: gotta love that character driven plot bullshit.

But it's also a huge pain in my ass, because as he develops and his life unfolds, things change. His age changes frequently, his physical features changed a bit (but he likes to think he's a bad ass so he has to look the part... drama queen...), his background story keeps going back and forth between two options in my head- does he have daddy issues? Or did he just get caught up in some unfortunate circumstance? ( I don't believe in circumstance, but he does; so naturally we're always fighting about that...)

So when he changes, the entire story does. Honestly, it takes a lot out of me and I seem to get one hell of a writers block every time it does. There's a reason why it's taken me seven years and I've only got 180 pages typed up. I've tried to say, "Fuck you, I need someone less difficult." But in reality: I love him too much to just drop him, or even make him a side character. It has to be him; Mr. Center-Of-Attention... I've worked too long and too hard to scratch him and create up someone new.

I don't believe in God. Believe what you may, but I'm a biologist and while I believe in the POSSIBILITY of the Alpha and Omega; I believe science more. But if there is a god: I imagine that any (good) writer knows what he/she/it/them feel(s) like to a certain degree. I mean one complex character is bad enough. I have several, but none so bad as him. But trillions of people??? Damn. God must be on drugs.

Anyways... don't ask me why I'm typing this all out. It's 5:30 A.M.

So I'm angsty and nervous and hyper and I can't sleep.

Anyways.